I’ve been feeling quite out of sorts lately – my temper getting the better of me, unhappiness at work and having a lot of negative people around me. All the bad thoughts came to me. I was angry at everyone; I was jealous of people who were getting things that I wanted. At one point I was hoping for bad things to happen to others, which was really unhealthy. My mind went from unhappy and complaining about everything to jealousy, anger and hate. It felt like my world was crashing down on me and I thought I seriously needed some intervention before I went crazy.
I posted that I went to Australia for a week – and cut off communication with everything. For the first time in forever, I kept away from work. I had to stop for a moment, stop obsessing about work, stop thinking about things that I had no control over and I needed the distance from all the people who were making me upset. My trip was largely sponsored by the bf, who is truly an incredible guy – I had the best of everything there; business class flights, 5 star hotels and lots of lobsters. It was a great reminder of all things great in my life – things that I had forgotten about or took for granted.
I am not trying to show off; but rather, noting that it suddenly reminded me of all the amazing things I do have in life and how lucky I really am. Why did I end up being so unhappy? I have a good education, a stable income, good meals on a regular basis; I travel around the world and have the best bf I could ever wish for. But I wanted things that I didn’t have and honestly didn’t need, and I no longer wanted to work for it. I learnt to complain and backstab people at work to get what I wanted; and I swiftly transferred all the negative ‘skills’ to my everyday life. I no longer had compassion and forgot what was important; I stopped being a human and I no longer liked myself.
I could blame it on my manager – who really is not a great manager or person. He singles out one worker to vent on; we’ve never had a single year where no one resigns. When the singled out party resigns, the manager moves on to the next to attack. Now it’s my turn. But I could also blame it on myself for letting him get to me; I no longer focused on my job but rather on his personal attacks – “don’t you smile like that”. I could also attribute it to my temper – it takes 2 hands to clap; I did not have to get angry at what he said, or what anyone unimportant to my life says. I should have been better and smarter, and be the best employee that he has ever lost.
I could blame it on my family – my parents are getting old so along comes many issues. My dad is getting more stubborn by the day, and my mum complains about it all the time. The eldest sis has been jobless for awhile and my parents are putting her through school again to learn new skills. They need to have a proper conversation but they’re not so there’s a lot of tension and complaints. But they are my family and I cannot run from them; most importantly my parents loves me and in spite of all their disagreements with each other, they’ve never disagreed on loving me.
I think people complain too much these days – about life, people around them, everything! There’s so much unhappiness around that sometimes I feel so suffocated. There are a lot of happy things in my life but somehow I manage to let all the negativity get to me; I smile a lot less, feel less joy, and no longer wake up excited about work. The virtual world was supposed to be a positive development but suddenly all the facebook posts are full of whinings and complains. It was getting so bad that I could sit at my desk and be out of breath just thinking of all the sadness and anger around me. It’s just too easy to complain and no one ever says thank you anymore.
I want to be happy and I want to focus on the things that makes me happy now. After all that long rant I have finally come to the point of this post. I want to try doing the 100 days of happiness challenge – where I find something that made me happy every day and post it on some form of social media. Not only as a reminder for myself – that there are actually many things to be happy about, but also hopefully to pass on the happiness. Just like how anger and sadness affects the people around you, I’m hoping I can pass on this new found happiness and lightness.
Here’s to a hundred days of happiness. 🙂 I’ll be keeping track of this through instagram #100happydays @fabulousnerd so if you’d like to follow me or do this challenge as well please let me know and I will follow you back! I will also do recaps on this blog, in between my beauty posts.
A random fact about me – my chinese name means “full of brightness”. Chinese names are very important and some believes it guides the path to your life – so a lot of chinese people are named “smart” or “successful”, and a lot of girls are named “beautiful”. So I shall try my very best to fulfill what my parents have wanted for my life when I came to this world – for my future and life, mentally and physically, to be full of brightness. Honestly I couldn’t ask for a better name or a greater wish for anyone else’s life.